A Current Struggle
I'm writing this post today and I'll post it today! Surprise Surprise. Most of the time I write them and then schedule them so they periodically appear. That's because I can't keep myself on enough of a schedule to actually post and then I don't actually ever get the posts out.
But today I'll hit publish as soon as I'm done.
I'm struggling... Not a lot but enough.
School starts on Tuesday and we just finished our annual staff retreat (Which went amazingly well!)
We were away from our computers for 3 days and had infrequent cell service and even less frequent internet (although it was available where we ate). So today I'm back reflecting over my first retreat as a teacher (not just the tag-along wife). I've been catching up on Facebook and Pinterest and my blogs.
You know what, I can't seem to escape this comparison game we all seem to play. I felt pretty stupid at the retreat because I asked dumb questions (I didn't know the answer), or I made an even dumber suggestion (because I was excited about something I'd just learned although everybody else already knew about it). So I'm feeling down because I'm not a certified teacher and it's my first year, I'm genuinely terrified but at the same time excited.
But then I get on Facebook and pinterest and it's full of all these picture of things we ought to be doing, or try to top or come up with on our own for our own blogs or our own posts.
First we are in college and it's all about decorating to have the cutest room, or how to study so we can finish college and get a degree in exactly 1.5 min having made money instead of owing it and graduating with a triple major and a 4.0.
It's about having the cutest clothes and the best hair (don't forget that blue ombre is in). How to find the best guy and stay in the best shape with THESE exercises that only take 2 min each day, and how to eat the healthiest meals the cheapest that take the least time to prepare.
Then we get married and it's about the PERFECT dress and makeup and jewelry and hair and number of attendants and don't get me started on the pictures!!!!!!! We put so much pressure on ourselves and our loved ones. Heaven forbid we let the groom have a natural facial expression when he actually sees his bride. Now they have to remember that there is a photographer aimed especially at his face to forever memorialize the moment. And if he's not sobbing because she's more beautiful than he's ever seen in his entire life, he might just spend the first night of his marriage in the dog house. Forget planning a good marriage, it's just all about the wedding.
Then fast forward to pregnancy. There are so many crazy ways that we celebrate a coming life, and so little is actually about becoming a parent. It's about what cute clothes she can have to celebrate her new shape and show it off, about throwing the best gender reveal party. And what about the woman who can't conceive and ends up having children another way? It can be hard to see women bursting with pregnancy and feeling like it's something you desperately want but can't ever have. And somehow becoming a mother through adoption isn't the same because we can't share those same horrific birth stories, or who's birth was more perfect. Someone's is always better or worse. And you'll never get to post weekly pregnancy pictures. Nobody cares if you are waiting for a child to be placed in your home, praying the birth mother won't change her mind, afraid to hope, stuck in paperwork up to your eyeballs or trapped in a country and your family can't meet your child because you can't leave until a judge signs the papers and there's no end in sight. Or round after round of fertility treatments leaves your marriage stressed and your body hormonal and still with empty aching arms.
And then once the baby is here, we have to have the right bling, pacifiers attached with pearls, designer clothes, the best parties and the best family pictures. I think we spend more time making our family photograph well than we do helping them develop into people who love God and others. Is having children about what they look like or about who they are becoming.
What if you can't afford those perfectly unique dates ever week or your husband is overseas or sick and working so you can have food. What if you don't even go out for your anniversary let alone an artistically beautiful photograph staged for each year of marriage. Does that mean your marriage is bad?
I guess I just am tired of trying to live up to the world's standards. When did we decide that we have to top each other? We have to sit around and compare and if we aren't there to do it in person we do it digitally on social media. I want to talk to someone who actually likes me and cares about how I'm doing, someone who sees that I need help and comes alongside me to help me, not someone to judge me and tell me what I'm doing wrong all the time.
I guess I'm just tired of caring what other people think or seeing what other people do and letting it hurt me. But how do you move away from caring? How do I get off this crazy ride and just live for God? It's hard to live every moment of every day feeling like I'm failing everyone I ever knew. I want to live victoriously, knowing that in spite of my failings, that God looks at me and loves me simply because I'm his. He made me and he saved me. I belong to him. What I look like, and what my clothes are like, what car I drive, what vacations I take, and what our photos look like don't matter one bit because I'm living for heaven and loving as many as I can along the way. That's the only thing of eternal value.
But today I'll hit publish as soon as I'm done.
I'm struggling... Not a lot but enough.
School starts on Tuesday and we just finished our annual staff retreat (Which went amazingly well!)
We were away from our computers for 3 days and had infrequent cell service and even less frequent internet (although it was available where we ate). So today I'm back reflecting over my first retreat as a teacher (not just the tag-along wife). I've been catching up on Facebook and Pinterest and my blogs.
You know what, I can't seem to escape this comparison game we all seem to play. I felt pretty stupid at the retreat because I asked dumb questions (I didn't know the answer), or I made an even dumber suggestion (because I was excited about something I'd just learned although everybody else already knew about it). So I'm feeling down because I'm not a certified teacher and it's my first year, I'm genuinely terrified but at the same time excited.
But then I get on Facebook and pinterest and it's full of all these picture of things we ought to be doing, or try to top or come up with on our own for our own blogs or our own posts.
First we are in college and it's all about decorating to have the cutest room, or how to study so we can finish college and get a degree in exactly 1.5 min having made money instead of owing it and graduating with a triple major and a 4.0.
It's about having the cutest clothes and the best hair (don't forget that blue ombre is in). How to find the best guy and stay in the best shape with THESE exercises that only take 2 min each day, and how to eat the healthiest meals the cheapest that take the least time to prepare.
Then we get married and it's about the PERFECT dress and makeup and jewelry and hair and number of attendants and don't get me started on the pictures!!!!!!! We put so much pressure on ourselves and our loved ones. Heaven forbid we let the groom have a natural facial expression when he actually sees his bride. Now they have to remember that there is a photographer aimed especially at his face to forever memorialize the moment. And if he's not sobbing because she's more beautiful than he's ever seen in his entire life, he might just spend the first night of his marriage in the dog house. Forget planning a good marriage, it's just all about the wedding.
Then fast forward to pregnancy. There are so many crazy ways that we celebrate a coming life, and so little is actually about becoming a parent. It's about what cute clothes she can have to celebrate her new shape and show it off, about throwing the best gender reveal party. And what about the woman who can't conceive and ends up having children another way? It can be hard to see women bursting with pregnancy and feeling like it's something you desperately want but can't ever have. And somehow becoming a mother through adoption isn't the same because we can't share those same horrific birth stories, or who's birth was more perfect. Someone's is always better or worse. And you'll never get to post weekly pregnancy pictures. Nobody cares if you are waiting for a child to be placed in your home, praying the birth mother won't change her mind, afraid to hope, stuck in paperwork up to your eyeballs or trapped in a country and your family can't meet your child because you can't leave until a judge signs the papers and there's no end in sight. Or round after round of fertility treatments leaves your marriage stressed and your body hormonal and still with empty aching arms.
And then once the baby is here, we have to have the right bling, pacifiers attached with pearls, designer clothes, the best parties and the best family pictures. I think we spend more time making our family photograph well than we do helping them develop into people who love God and others. Is having children about what they look like or about who they are becoming.
What if you can't afford those perfectly unique dates ever week or your husband is overseas or sick and working so you can have food. What if you don't even go out for your anniversary let alone an artistically beautiful photograph staged for each year of marriage. Does that mean your marriage is bad?
I guess I just am tired of trying to live up to the world's standards. When did we decide that we have to top each other? We have to sit around and compare and if we aren't there to do it in person we do it digitally on social media. I want to talk to someone who actually likes me and cares about how I'm doing, someone who sees that I need help and comes alongside me to help me, not someone to judge me and tell me what I'm doing wrong all the time.
I guess I'm just tired of caring what other people think or seeing what other people do and letting it hurt me. But how do you move away from caring? How do I get off this crazy ride and just live for God? It's hard to live every moment of every day feeling like I'm failing everyone I ever knew. I want to live victoriously, knowing that in spite of my failings, that God looks at me and loves me simply because I'm his. He made me and he saved me. I belong to him. What I look like, and what my clothes are like, what car I drive, what vacations I take, and what our photos look like don't matter one bit because I'm living for heaven and loving as many as I can along the way. That's the only thing of eternal value.
Comments