Stress- an honest look

Why yes that is the head of a pig skewered on a bamboo pole, cooking over an impromptu fire made on the sidewalk beside the road.  And yes we pulled over and asked if we could take this picture.  And yes they thought we were hilarious, because why on earth would you think this normal thing was strange?! And know what?  This was just 2 blocks from our house.

This sort of shouts out to me that I just don't fit in here.

¹stress

 noun \ˈstres\

: a state of mental tension and worry caused by problems in your life, work, etc.

: something that causes strong feelings of worry or anxiety

: physical force or pressure

I got online and took one of those stress tests.  So I took it and it gave me a score of 294.  Well, I actually have no idea how high the test goes but it said that if you scored over 150 you should explore options of ways to reduce your stress and if you scored over 300 you should see a dr.  Well, the funny thing about this test was that it didn't even ask me any questions about the things that I really feel like give me stress.  See this test is intended for those who live in the US.  But everything in my life involves a certain amount of stress.  I can't do a single thing without confronting some sort of stressor.  

So I did a little more research.  What I found says that the typical stress level for an American is around 100.  Although honestly, since there's so much financial trouble and turmoil that  that number is bound to be higher.  They say that the people who have a stress level of 200 are considered AT RISK.  

But this article I read said that most missionaries consistently live with a stress level of 600!  Can you believe that?!  Well, actually I can.  I looked through the list of ailments that go along with high levels of stress, you betcha!  Our family is right on that list, experiencing a whole handful of issues.  

And yea, right now I'm overwhelmed to a degree that I haven't felt in awhile, well maybe not since we were walking the infertility road.  And when I look at my younger self, my strengths, hobbies, likes, dislikes etc...  I've changed and not entirely for the better.  I used to be opinionated, with thoughts and opinions about all sorts of things.  I was outspoken and open.  Confrontational and direct.  (at least this is how I viewed myself).  

But these last two years have changed me.  I am not opinionated anymore, I'm easily swayed and affected by the opinions and thoughts of others.  I am not confident that I have any strengths, I no longer have hobbies, I have lots of dislikes but I struggle to be joyful enough to have any likes.  I'm shy and afraid of people, I'm still open but in a defensive way, as if I can explain enough of my life so that people can maybe extend me more grace because I'm such a mess.  I can't be confrontational to save my life and the only person I can be direct with is Reggie.  

I've lost who I am.  I can't find her anywhere.  Somehow in the midst of trying to be Filipina enough to fit in, international enough to not sound ethnocentric at school and Christian enough to not offend the old school missionaries, I don't exist anymore.  But I love these kids, my own and these students I'm in charge of teaching Spanish to.  I have spent the last 2-3 weeks waking up DREADING each day, knowing that I'll fail, make mistakes, do a poor job teaching.  I'll say something offensive to someone, not say something to someone else and in turn offend them.  I'll be excluded from the mom's getting together (because I'm choosing to teach).  Have really only one friend.  But as soon as I walk in the classroom and see the kids' faces, I know that I truly do love them.  Yes some of them drive me bonkers.  but I love them!  So it's fall break!  

A week to rest, relax, plan ahead, do report cards, and for me, I also have a recruitment video to put together!  

My stress load isn't likely to lessen any in the coming weeks.  But please pray for us as we teach here.  So many of these kids are MK's with such huge struggles of their own.

Pray for our school!  We desperately need teachers.  We don't have enough for this year let alone next.

And pray for our girls.  It's hard to be an MK.  

And pray for the video.  I'm overwhelmed and I want to quit!  Pray for endurance!

If you want to learn more about Missionary Stress:

Stressed out Missionary

Stress and Stagesof Mission Career

Stressed from Core to Cosmos

Wat Missionaries Ought to Know about Culture Stress